As you know, I have limited computor access but I wanted to write what’s been going on with me.
First, however, I must thank those of you who have sent me your support. Margaret (who really saved me last month), Natalee and The Drunken Housewife have all been very generous by donating to me and Polly. It’s hard for me to overstate how much their kindness has been needed and appreciated. I know times are financially tough for a lot of people and their assistance has made a huge difference here.
For several reasons, I’ve had to give up a lot in order to adjust to my circumstances. After seven years, I’ve had to stop going in the morning to the Breakfast Place for monetary reasons. Polly and I still go for a walk in the morning but I do miss going for my tea and a chat with the waitresses who I’d come to know and liked very much. Polly may miss the turkey they gave her every morning but she has adjusted well and could probably stand to lose the calories.
This was a relatively simple effort to sacrifice among the other things I’ve given up. My life has been pared down to the bare essentials first for health reasons and now monetary ones. I haven’t eaten a meal in a restaurant for over a year, bought any clothing or splurged on any luxuries at all including simple things like kitchen utensils and items I could use around the house. I’m behind on my rent. The stress is probably the worst thing to deal with as I find myself constantly worrying about how to pay the rent and buy food.
My social worker has told me this too shall pass.I hope that’s true.Thanks so much for your prayers and thoughts.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Thursday, May 28, 2009
A friend once said to me “If you want to solve a problem, create a bigger problem.” I think I’m running out of bigger problems.
After my mother died last November, I came to a very bad place. There were a number of issues involved. For one, while I knew she was ill, her death was still a shock. I had not heard much about her condition from anyone or my half-sister Christa about how she had been doing. I knew she was in an assisted living facility that was apparently far from where Christa lived as she didn’t seem to go visit her very often.
In fact, Christa has never called me after my mother died. I heard about the news and what details I could from my aunt, my mother’s sister. I was never asked anything about the arrangements of her funeral or how anything would be handled. I wasn’t even asked if I wanted to go to the funeral. I was never told what happened to any of my mother’s belongings or anything she left behind. The last time I talked to my aunt was last December and I haven’t heard from anyone since.
While I’m no stranger to the death of someone close to me, this was different since 1) it was my mother and 2) I’ve had to go through this grieving and handling it on my own without any support from anyone else. Frankly, I didn’t handle it very well. I entered into a deep depression and things got pretty bad for me. I tried drowning my feelings in alcohol and my apartment went horribly downhill with trash collecting and clothes unwashed. My only activities became taking Polly on her walks every day but other than that, I became essentially a hermit from the world.
Soon after, I became very ill and frankly I thought my end was imminent and it was hard to muster much energy or will to combat it. I started suffering muscle seizures, complete loss of appetite and extreme dizziness when I’d stand. All I wanted to do was lie in bed and avoid moving.
Finally I got some assistance through Social Services. I was assigned a Social Worker who came to my house and helped me get a great living assistant named Richie who comes to my house now twice a week for cleaning and to do some cooking. She’s great and Polly loves her. My health has also gotten better and the fizzy spells which were really affecting me badly have stopped.
Unfortunately, my finances have been really horrible and that’s one reason I haven’t been able to have my computer fixed. I’m more concerned about having money for food and other living necessities. It’s something I worry about all the time and unfortunately causes me a great deal of stress.
Thanks so much for your concern. Please pray for me (or whatever you do) as I try to adjust to this new life I find myself living. I’ll try to keep you updated.
After my mother died last November, I came to a very bad place. There were a number of issues involved. For one, while I knew she was ill, her death was still a shock. I had not heard much about her condition from anyone or my half-sister Christa about how she had been doing. I knew she was in an assisted living facility that was apparently far from where Christa lived as she didn’t seem to go visit her very often.
In fact, Christa has never called me after my mother died. I heard about the news and what details I could from my aunt, my mother’s sister. I was never asked anything about the arrangements of her funeral or how anything would be handled. I wasn’t even asked if I wanted to go to the funeral. I was never told what happened to any of my mother’s belongings or anything she left behind. The last time I talked to my aunt was last December and I haven’t heard from anyone since.
While I’m no stranger to the death of someone close to me, this was different since 1) it was my mother and 2) I’ve had to go through this grieving and handling it on my own without any support from anyone else. Frankly, I didn’t handle it very well. I entered into a deep depression and things got pretty bad for me. I tried drowning my feelings in alcohol and my apartment went horribly downhill with trash collecting and clothes unwashed. My only activities became taking Polly on her walks every day but other than that, I became essentially a hermit from the world.
Soon after, I became very ill and frankly I thought my end was imminent and it was hard to muster much energy or will to combat it. I started suffering muscle seizures, complete loss of appetite and extreme dizziness when I’d stand. All I wanted to do was lie in bed and avoid moving.
Finally I got some assistance through Social Services. I was assigned a Social Worker who came to my house and helped me get a great living assistant named Richie who comes to my house now twice a week for cleaning and to do some cooking. She’s great and Polly loves her. My health has also gotten better and the fizzy spells which were really affecting me badly have stopped.
Unfortunately, my finances have been really horrible and that’s one reason I haven’t been able to have my computer fixed. I’m more concerned about having money for food and other living necessities. It’s something I worry about all the time and unfortunately causes me a great deal of stress.
Thanks so much for your concern. Please pray for me (or whatever you do) as I try to adjust to this new life I find myself living. I’ll try to keep you updated.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
MEMORIES
How I was in most of the 80's and early 90's. God, drugs were fun. Now that I don't do any drugs anymore, I am so much more boring. Or maybe life is just so much more boring. At any rate, I got laid a lot more.
Good times.
Good times.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
THIS JUST IN
Polly has developed a new habit of barking in her sleep. Should I worry? What is she barking at? Are they dreams of other dogs who dare to impinge on her territory? (something she has an issue with)?
Polly definitely has an idea about what is hers, including me. In all fairness, I haven't tried to train her otherwise. Any dog, how big, who encroaches on her territory is soundly rebuked by repeated howls and vigorous tail wagging. Fortunately the territory is small and the other dogs, even the huge ones, seem cowered by her royalty which is kind of funny. Naturally I keep her away from harm and have tried to scold her. More often than not, if she actually reaches the other dog, she's vaguely interested and then ignores them. She's fickle. Like father, like daughter.
And so life with her goes on.
Polly definitely has an idea about what is hers, including me. In all fairness, I haven't tried to train her otherwise. Any dog, how big, who encroaches on her territory is soundly rebuked by repeated howls and vigorous tail wagging. Fortunately the territory is small and the other dogs, even the huge ones, seem cowered by her royalty which is kind of funny. Naturally I keep her away from harm and have tried to scold her. More often than not, if she actually reaches the other dog, she's vaguely interested and then ignores them. She's fickle. Like father, like daughter.
And so life with her goes on.
REVELATIONS
I recently came across a post I wrote on my Old Blog five years ago - FIVE YEARS AGO!!! - when I went to a forum/panel discussion here in LA about that new fangled thing called "blogging" and wrote about it here.
Newspaper threat. Heh, I was pretty smart back then.
Now, of course, I'm just an idiot. But here is the proof (proof for this area) that I was once ahead of the time. Oh, how the mighty fall.
Newspaper threat. Heh, I was pretty smart back then.
Now, of course, I'm just an idiot. But here is the proof (proof for this area) that I was once ahead of the time. Oh, how the mighty fall.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
LOVE
"Her mother paused like a gypsy reading a crystal ball, her young daughter stiffly waiting for an answer. She had stopped reading this girl’s mind but even in the face of questions about Love, she felt she was still hers. Always, that’s what Love felt like. You could lock the door and take the key where you wanted, feel it pressing into your skin while waiting in line at the bank, in a store, smiling and nodding to people passing by. Love is a door to a house. "
Read more here.
Read more here.
Friday, January 2, 2009
GOD GIVE ME STRENGTH
From the great movie "Grace of My Heart" starring the incomparable Illeana Douglas. Supposedly this film was based on the story of Carole King. Bette Midler also did an amazing cover of this song, perhaps even more poignant. This is the aural version but there are no moving graphics:
Breath-taking.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
2008
God this was a rough year. On to the next.
I realize most of you may not know of the problems I faced but I’ll admit I have a hard time asking for help and acknowledging when I’m not doing well. This year was the story of my life.
First, I was very ill in the spring of this year. I developed some kind of digestive issue which hasn’t been resolved. I lost all appetite and when I do eat, I usually become naseous and throw up. Other than taking Polly out for her walks, all I want to do is lay in bed and not move. I still have little appetite and only eat about once a day. This has been a problem.
Also, per my living off government disability, I’ve had financial issues. For all of us, this has been a problem recently but my car has also died and I’ve been relying on delivery services for everything.
This started to become a problem as my house became more and more of a mess. Garbage began piling up and I found myself unable to even confront how much of an issue I’d created. I was surrounded by piles of trash from food, etc. and found I was unable to physically confront the problem. I was/am living in a casspool of garbage and overwhelmed and phyisically unable to deal.
Then my mother died. While I was apparently in denial about the effect this had on me, I now see how much it took it’s toll. I became frozen by the mess around me and frozen in the emotions and grief I felt inside. I wasn’t exactly suicidal, but if I died someone else could deal with the mess I’d made. The one thing that kept me alive was my bond to Polly. I’ve never heard from my sister after my mother died and since I obviously couldn’t afford to go to the funeral, couldn’t see her. I have no idea how my mother’s estate is or has been handled.
I’ve pretty much hit bottom. I live surrounded by a mess and I’m too ashamed and embarassed to ask for help. I don’t comprehend how I got to this point. I won’t even allow anyone into my apartment.
Last week, I was contacted by a man who works for the county who is also a therapist. He seems very kind and understanding of my problems (he’s also gay). He promised to help me which I hope he does. I’ve been as open and honest with him as I can be and am even ready for him to enter my home and see how I live. Which is a big step for me right now.
This may be one of the toughest challenges I’ve ever faced. If I don’t deal with my apartment mess, I may be evicted and therefore homeless. The social worker/therapist assures me this won’t happen. Of course I still wonder.
I don’t know how “people” get through crises like this. I could place myself in a movie and just forge on like movie people do. I could forge a brave face and find the story perfect ending to my issue, I could walk away from it all the hero as the credits roll.
Right now, I wonder how. Prayers, hopes and concern are all welcome. They couldn’t hurt.
I realize most of you may not know of the problems I faced but I’ll admit I have a hard time asking for help and acknowledging when I’m not doing well. This year was the story of my life.
First, I was very ill in the spring of this year. I developed some kind of digestive issue which hasn’t been resolved. I lost all appetite and when I do eat, I usually become naseous and throw up. Other than taking Polly out for her walks, all I want to do is lay in bed and not move. I still have little appetite and only eat about once a day. This has been a problem.
Also, per my living off government disability, I’ve had financial issues. For all of us, this has been a problem recently but my car has also died and I’ve been relying on delivery services for everything.
This started to become a problem as my house became more and more of a mess. Garbage began piling up and I found myself unable to even confront how much of an issue I’d created. I was surrounded by piles of trash from food, etc. and found I was unable to physically confront the problem. I was/am living in a casspool of garbage and overwhelmed and phyisically unable to deal.
Then my mother died. While I was apparently in denial about the effect this had on me, I now see how much it took it’s toll. I became frozen by the mess around me and frozen in the emotions and grief I felt inside. I wasn’t exactly suicidal, but if I died someone else could deal with the mess I’d made. The one thing that kept me alive was my bond to Polly. I’ve never heard from my sister after my mother died and since I obviously couldn’t afford to go to the funeral, couldn’t see her. I have no idea how my mother’s estate is or has been handled.
I’ve pretty much hit bottom. I live surrounded by a mess and I’m too ashamed and embarassed to ask for help. I don’t comprehend how I got to this point. I won’t even allow anyone into my apartment.
Last week, I was contacted by a man who works for the county who is also a therapist. He seems very kind and understanding of my problems (he’s also gay). He promised to help me which I hope he does. I’ve been as open and honest with him as I can be and am even ready for him to enter my home and see how I live. Which is a big step for me right now.
This may be one of the toughest challenges I’ve ever faced. If I don’t deal with my apartment mess, I may be evicted and therefore homeless. The social worker/therapist assures me this won’t happen. Of course I still wonder.
I don’t know how “people” get through crises like this. I could place myself in a movie and just forge on like movie people do. I could forge a brave face and find the story perfect ending to my issue, I could walk away from it all the hero as the credits roll.
Right now, I wonder how. Prayers, hopes and concern are all welcome. They couldn’t hurt.
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