2008

God this was a rough year. On to the next.

I realize most of you may not know of the problems I faced but I’ll admit I have a hard time asking for help and acknowledging when I’m not doing well. This year was the story of my life.

First, I was very ill in the spring of this year. I developed some kind of digestive issue which hasn’t been resolved. I lost all appetite and when I do eat, I usually become naseous and throw up. Other than taking Polly out for her walks, all I want to do is lay in bed and not move. I still have little appetite and only eat about once a day. This has been a problem.

Also, per my living off government disability, I’ve had financial issues. For all of us, this has been a problem recently but my car has also died and I’ve been relying on delivery services for everything.

This started to become a problem as my house became more and more of a mess. Garbage began piling up and I found myself unable to even confront how much of an issue I’d created. I was surrounded by piles of trash from food, etc. and found I was unable to physically confront the problem. I was/am living in a casspool of garbage and overwhelmed and phyisically unable to deal.

Then my mother died. While I was apparently in denial about the effect this had on me, I now see how much it took it’s toll. I became frozen by the mess around me and frozen in the emotions and grief I felt inside. I wasn’t exactly suicidal, but if I died someone else could deal with the mess I’d made. The one thing that kept me alive was my bond to Polly. I’ve never heard from my sister after my mother died and since I obviously couldn’t afford to go to the funeral, couldn’t see her. I have no idea how my mother’s estate is or has been handled.

I’ve pretty much hit bottom. I live surrounded by a mess and I’m too ashamed and embarassed to ask for help. I don’t comprehend how I got to this point. I won’t even allow anyone into my apartment.

Last week, I was contacted by a man who works for the county who is also a therapist. He seems very kind and understanding of my problems (he’s also gay). He promised to help me which I hope he does. I’ve been as open and honest with him as I can be and am even ready for him to enter my home and see how I live. Which is a big step for me right now.

This may be one of the toughest challenges I’ve ever faced. If I don’t deal with my apartment mess, I may be evicted and therefore homeless. The social worker/therapist assures me this won’t happen. Of course I still wonder.

I don’t know how “people” get through crises like this. I could place myself in a movie and just forge on like movie people do. I could forge a brave face and find the story perfect ending to my issue, I could walk away from it all the hero as the credits roll.

Right now, I wonder how. Prayers, hopes and concern are all welcome. They couldn’t hurt.